How do we get our children to cooperate?
Have you ever been asked to do something and not really feel like doing it?
Do you begrudgingly comply?
Do you carry out the task with attitude?
Our children feel this way most times..
How do we turn this around?
Let's explore the why's behind these feelings first.
When you are requested to perform a task that has been shouted from another room (or, conversely, when you ask your husband to do something while he is the middle of doing something else) we most likely feel like ignoring them or saying do it yourself. We may even feel the hairs on the back of our neck stand up.
Why do we react this way?
It's actually a pretty simply answer. We were not feeling connected to the person making the request. We did not feel in 'right relationship' to that person.
What this means is that because there was no caring feelings within us at that moment ,our automatic response is a resounding NO! being shouted in our head.
This is nature's normal response. It is what our brain was designed to do. It is nature's way of protecting our children to not do the bidding of those they are not attached to.
Now that we understand this is a normal response, we can understand how we need to engage the brain to develop the will to comply with requests.
1) COLLECTING BEFORE DIRECTING
This means making eye contact, getting a smile, and then a nod.
Think about when you greet your friend or spouse. If that person won't look at you, or give you a smile, you instinctively feel like something is wrong. It feels uncomfortable. It feels strained, and you feel like you need to fix it.
If you meet a friend or spouse and you have good eye contact, your smile is returned, and you get them to agree about something like, "Isn't it a beautiful day?" You feel aligned with that person. As you're saying this, your head is nodding and you will notice that their head begins to nod as well. This would be the perfect time to slip in a request because they are already nodding yes, and are more likely to carry out the request.
The same is true of our children.
How many times have you yelled down the stairs that dinner's ready, or to come set the table, with no response?
I have done this and feel like I am hitting my head against the wall over and over again!!
It is not my children who have not learned, it is me who has not realized that this doesn't work and I repeat it over and over again.
If I go down the stairs and get in their space in a friendly way (get their eyes, a smile, and a nod) then they immediately do what is asked.
It could be they are playing a video game, so the scenario may go something like this...
"Oh, that looks like an interesting game."(In his space in a friendly way)
"Yes, I have almost beat this part"(Eye contact)
"Wow, that's impressive,"(He's nodding with you)(You slip in the request) "Could you just put it on pause while you come set the table for dinner?"
"Can I have 2 more minutes?"
"I could give you 2 more minutes, but it would be really helpful to me if you could do it now."
"Ok, I can pause it."
What you have done here is COLLECTED them before you DIRECTED them.
Its a small thing but has BIG results.
It works great on spouses too!!
My challenge to you is this:
try it for a week and then post your comments and let us know how it worked for you...
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Bridging the Gap of Separation
Here's an interesting story to show the importance of attachment and its effects on children.
About a year ago we had fostered 2 children. Ages 2 and 5. They were with us for 8 months. Mom was needing time to re-establish herself after fleeing from an abusive situation.
These 2 had some significant neglect issues and needed time to heal emotionally as well as gain in their development.
The 5 year old would go to bed and would surround herself with ALL her belongings. Every morning I would go in to wake her and find her covered with her clothes, books, even her suitcase was on her bed.
I started to look at this as a separation problem. One from being away from her Mom, and 2 not being able to hold her close when apart. and 3 being separated from me at bed time.
I knew I had to come up with a solution to relieve her anxiety and allow her to rest.
I started by requesting a picture of her Mom to put in her room.So she could hold close her Mom when she wanted to.
I then began to give her some suggestions for dreams where I could meet her. I would talk about us being fairies(she loved tinkerbell) and we could meet under the big oak tree. I would ring the bell in the tree and then she could find me. This worked great! She would start to ask what I would be wearing and then she would choose the same outfit so we could be the same( she was developing the sameness root with me). Then she would suggest that we bring snacks, Me one night , her the next. It usually was hot chocolate and cookies.(comfort food).
In the morning I would ask her if she had fun on our adventures. She would always say Yes, i liked when we played with dolphins, or wasn't that fun flying high with the stars.
Quickly, her belongings remained off her bed and she would wake refreshed and with less anxiey.
When it came time for these 2 to return to Mom, anxiety started again. I reassured her that no matter where she slept at night, we could meet in our dreams. As she walked out the door, she said see you tonight under the oak tree Jen, and I said you bet. She troddled off with a smile.
Well a year has passed and I got a phone call from Family and children's services. Mom has requested the children start some visits with me. The 5 year old has been asking about us and states she needs to see me.
I was thrilled to hear this as every child that comes to me leaves a mark on my heart and I worry about them.
What I find even more amazing is the Mom's ability to see a need in her child and that she wants to fulfil it.
Alot of maturity would have taken place on her part for this to have happened.
I often wonder what impact I have on these kids. For this little girl it was still being able to have a connection she could hold onto even a year later.
I will be meeting with them next week and will have more understanding about what is going on for her but for now she and her Mom have had the ability to reach out in a time of need.
This brings me back to what Gordon Neufeld has said about villages of attachment. "Once you are in a child's village, you are there for life. Maybe not in the role you started out in, but a role neverless."
So what does bridging the gap mean?
When you must be separated from those who care for you, you need to focus on the RETURN of the connection, not on the loss of connection.
For example, we don't need to say good-bye all the time, we can say , When you come home, we can play that game you've been wanting to play. or we could say, Tomorrow when I see you, I'll make your favourite supper.
If we focus on the return, separation is eased and it gives the impression that the connection is not lost.
By bridging the separation with words of connection it closes the gap of the loss of contact.
About a year ago we had fostered 2 children. Ages 2 and 5. They were with us for 8 months. Mom was needing time to re-establish herself after fleeing from an abusive situation.
These 2 had some significant neglect issues and needed time to heal emotionally as well as gain in their development.
The 5 year old would go to bed and would surround herself with ALL her belongings. Every morning I would go in to wake her and find her covered with her clothes, books, even her suitcase was on her bed.
I started to look at this as a separation problem. One from being away from her Mom, and 2 not being able to hold her close when apart. and 3 being separated from me at bed time.
I knew I had to come up with a solution to relieve her anxiety and allow her to rest.
I started by requesting a picture of her Mom to put in her room.So she could hold close her Mom when she wanted to.
I then began to give her some suggestions for dreams where I could meet her. I would talk about us being fairies(she loved tinkerbell) and we could meet under the big oak tree. I would ring the bell in the tree and then she could find me. This worked great! She would start to ask what I would be wearing and then she would choose the same outfit so we could be the same( she was developing the sameness root with me). Then she would suggest that we bring snacks, Me one night , her the next. It usually was hot chocolate and cookies.(comfort food).
In the morning I would ask her if she had fun on our adventures. She would always say Yes, i liked when we played with dolphins, or wasn't that fun flying high with the stars.
Quickly, her belongings remained off her bed and she would wake refreshed and with less anxiey.
When it came time for these 2 to return to Mom, anxiety started again. I reassured her that no matter where she slept at night, we could meet in our dreams. As she walked out the door, she said see you tonight under the oak tree Jen, and I said you bet. She troddled off with a smile.
Well a year has passed and I got a phone call from Family and children's services. Mom has requested the children start some visits with me. The 5 year old has been asking about us and states she needs to see me.
I was thrilled to hear this as every child that comes to me leaves a mark on my heart and I worry about them.
What I find even more amazing is the Mom's ability to see a need in her child and that she wants to fulfil it.
Alot of maturity would have taken place on her part for this to have happened.
I often wonder what impact I have on these kids. For this little girl it was still being able to have a connection she could hold onto even a year later.
I will be meeting with them next week and will have more understanding about what is going on for her but for now she and her Mom have had the ability to reach out in a time of need.
This brings me back to what Gordon Neufeld has said about villages of attachment. "Once you are in a child's village, you are there for life. Maybe not in the role you started out in, but a role neverless."
So what does bridging the gap mean?
When you must be separated from those who care for you, you need to focus on the RETURN of the connection, not on the loss of connection.
For example, we don't need to say good-bye all the time, we can say , When you come home, we can play that game you've been wanting to play. or we could say, Tomorrow when I see you, I'll make your favourite supper.
If we focus on the return, separation is eased and it gives the impression that the connection is not lost.
By bridging the separation with words of connection it closes the gap of the loss of contact.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Pursuit of Proximity and Separation
To begin forming attachments we need to understand a few key things.
1) How we attach--(see roots of attachment)
2) Pursuit of Proximity and
3)Separation
The Pursuit of Proximity is the desire to be close to.
This can be to parents, friends or even things. When its not to parents, or to the person who is caring for the child, we call this a competing attachment. This can spell trouble when trying to parent. I will touch on this in Competing Attachment Posts.
The need to be close to someone is a primal basic instinct we all are born with. When we seek out that closeness and it is denied we feel a sense of separation. This is the most wounding feeling we as humans feel.
Whether the separation is expected or unexpected as in the case of the death of a loved one, the feeling of loss and separation is the same. Sometimes the separation we feel has been inflicted intentionally. Think how wounding that is.
We as adults even use separation as a punishment..We time out our kids, send them to their room, ask them to leave, etc. If we now understand that the pursuit of proximity is instinctual and a primitive need, think how wounding it feels to be denied this closeness. In essence we are saying to our children ,you can't exist in my presence right now, until you are good. We are giving the message that we as the adults in their lives don't have what it takes to deal with all that they come with, good and bad.
As adults, we even use this punishment on each other. We use separation as a means of controlling others.
Recently a friend of mine was denied a group membership to a local community group. The drive to belong to something for her children was thwarted by a small group within the larger group who felt she was not worthy of her pursuit to proximity to belong. They used separation as a means to control the situation, thus exacting their"power" without the larger groups knowledge.
Clearly this group is peer orientated and are operating on the superficial roots of sameness and belonging. They are not in fact loyal to each other as this friend had once been a member in the past and had made great contributions within the group.
When we attach at these first roots, without delving deeper into the soil with the other roots, we operate only superficially. Think of teens. They dress the same, talk the same, listen to the same music. They have attached to each other at the sameness root. We call this peer orientation. If they are attached to their peers, then they they are not attached to their parents. Who by the way are seen as DIFFERENT. We don't dress like them, we don't talk like them and we don't think like them.The friends become the competing attachment and we then can't parent them..They take their cues and advice from friends. Not their parents.
Like the group mentioned above, they took their cues and advice from each other . Their was no individual thought or self -reflection. Or maybe fear played a role in speaking out to the group. Perhaps fear of being bullied or fear of SEPARATION from the group was a motivating factor in their decision. This is called the gang mentality.Or Lord of the Flies Syndrome.
It is seen all over school yards and until the maturation process happens, we could lose our children to their friends or to gangs.
So how do we stop this from happening??
Stay tuned......
1) How we attach--(see roots of attachment)
2) Pursuit of Proximity and
3)Separation
The Pursuit of Proximity is the desire to be close to.
This can be to parents, friends or even things. When its not to parents, or to the person who is caring for the child, we call this a competing attachment. This can spell trouble when trying to parent. I will touch on this in Competing Attachment Posts.
The need to be close to someone is a primal basic instinct we all are born with. When we seek out that closeness and it is denied we feel a sense of separation. This is the most wounding feeling we as humans feel.
Whether the separation is expected or unexpected as in the case of the death of a loved one, the feeling of loss and separation is the same. Sometimes the separation we feel has been inflicted intentionally. Think how wounding that is.
We as adults even use separation as a punishment..We time out our kids, send them to their room, ask them to leave, etc. If we now understand that the pursuit of proximity is instinctual and a primitive need, think how wounding it feels to be denied this closeness. In essence we are saying to our children ,you can't exist in my presence right now, until you are good. We are giving the message that we as the adults in their lives don't have what it takes to deal with all that they come with, good and bad.
As adults, we even use this punishment on each other. We use separation as a means of controlling others.
Recently a friend of mine was denied a group membership to a local community group. The drive to belong to something for her children was thwarted by a small group within the larger group who felt she was not worthy of her pursuit to proximity to belong. They used separation as a means to control the situation, thus exacting their"power" without the larger groups knowledge.
Clearly this group is peer orientated and are operating on the superficial roots of sameness and belonging. They are not in fact loyal to each other as this friend had once been a member in the past and had made great contributions within the group.
When we attach at these first roots, without delving deeper into the soil with the other roots, we operate only superficially. Think of teens. They dress the same, talk the same, listen to the same music. They have attached to each other at the sameness root. We call this peer orientation. If they are attached to their peers, then they they are not attached to their parents. Who by the way are seen as DIFFERENT. We don't dress like them, we don't talk like them and we don't think like them.The friends become the competing attachment and we then can't parent them..They take their cues and advice from friends. Not their parents.
Like the group mentioned above, they took their cues and advice from each other . Their was no individual thought or self -reflection. Or maybe fear played a role in speaking out to the group. Perhaps fear of being bullied or fear of SEPARATION from the group was a motivating factor in their decision. This is called the gang mentality.Or Lord of the Flies Syndrome.
It is seen all over school yards and until the maturation process happens, we could lose our children to their friends or to gangs.
So how do we stop this from happening??
Stay tuned......
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Cultivating Working Attachments With Our Children
When we hear the word attachment, we often think of infants or very young children. But what about our pre-teens and adolescents.What exactly does attachment mean?
Attachment means that drive or relationship characterized by the pursuit of proximity. In other words the desire to be close to someone.The key word here is drive or desire.
Not all children want to be close to their parents. The bigger issue is some children, especially foster and adoptive children, have learned that getting close to someone, sets them up for getting hurt. If this has happened the brain goes into protective mode and the drive or desire to be close to those who take care of them goes away.
These children sometimes" build up walls" to protect against their vulnerability.In later posts, I will refer to this as defended against or flight from vulnerability.These children also become Alpha children. I will define this too, in another post.
The other point to make here is, that children will only attach within the capacity they've learned to attach.
So how do we attach?
There a 6 ways we attach others. This is referred to as The Roots of Attachment.
1st is through the Senses- it begins in utero. The sound of our Mothers voice. Then through touch and smell and sight. Even taste of breast milk.
2nd is through Sameness. Looking alike, mannerisms, dispositions, gender and common likes and dislikes.
3rd is through Belonging and Loyalty. Feeling apart of a family or group, being loyal to or even possessing someone or something.
4th is through Significance. Feeling important, that we matter, our thoughts and ideas matter. Being special.
5th is through Love. Giving our hearts away, feeling loved.
6th is through Being Known. This is where we share our secrets with others. Our dreams and goals.
Some children only attach through the first few roots. We need to foster more roots and have the roots grow deeper in the soil to create a more viable human being.
Lots of children, especially teens are not attached to their parents, rather, they are peer attached. This is called peer orientation. I will discuss this in an upcoming post.
I will also discuss how we cultivate these roots of attachment and share some personal stories when kids get "stuck" in their development of these roots and how they've overcome their "stuckness".
Attachment means that drive or relationship characterized by the pursuit of proximity. In other words the desire to be close to someone.The key word here is drive or desire.
Not all children want to be close to their parents. The bigger issue is some children, especially foster and adoptive children, have learned that getting close to someone, sets them up for getting hurt. If this has happened the brain goes into protective mode and the drive or desire to be close to those who take care of them goes away.
These children sometimes" build up walls" to protect against their vulnerability.In later posts, I will refer to this as defended against or flight from vulnerability.These children also become Alpha children. I will define this too, in another post.
The other point to make here is, that children will only attach within the capacity they've learned to attach.
So how do we attach?
There a 6 ways we attach others. This is referred to as The Roots of Attachment.
1st is through the Senses- it begins in utero. The sound of our Mothers voice. Then through touch and smell and sight. Even taste of breast milk.
2nd is through Sameness. Looking alike, mannerisms, dispositions, gender and common likes and dislikes.
3rd is through Belonging and Loyalty. Feeling apart of a family or group, being loyal to or even possessing someone or something.
4th is through Significance. Feeling important, that we matter, our thoughts and ideas matter. Being special.
5th is through Love. Giving our hearts away, feeling loved.
6th is through Being Known. This is where we share our secrets with others. Our dreams and goals.
Some children only attach through the first few roots. We need to foster more roots and have the roots grow deeper in the soil to create a more viable human being.
Lots of children, especially teens are not attached to their parents, rather, they are peer attached. This is called peer orientation. I will discuss this in an upcoming post.
I will also discuss how we cultivate these roots of attachment and share some personal stories when kids get "stuck" in their development of these roots and how they've overcome their "stuckness".
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
This is me with Gail Carney. She is the Director of Directed Studies for the Neufeld Virtual Campus.
I was invited to take part in the taping of his new DVD series called The Art & Science of Transplanting Children.
It was held at the Grant MacEwan Theatre in Edmonton at the University of Alberta. It was an amazing experience and the DVDs will be available in the new year.
Dr. Gordon Neufeld talked at length about separation complex, attachment, and how the brain works when trauma strikes.
He addressed issues with foster and adoptive children. Children of divorce and step children.How we go about disciplining them and how we apply his attachment-based developmental paradigm into practice with these transplanted children.
My favourite quote from this conference was that "children need to ADOPT us as their parents".
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