Cultivating Working Attachments With Our Children

When we hear the word attachment, we often think of infants or very young children. But what about our pre-teens and adolescents.What exactly does attachment mean?

Attachment means that drive or relationship characterized by the pursuit of proximity. In other words the desire to be close to someone.The key word here is drive or desire.

Not all children want to be close to their parents. The bigger issue is some children, especially foster and adoptive children, have learned that getting close to someone, sets them up for getting hurt. If this has happened the brain goes into protective mode and the drive or desire to be close to those who take care of them goes away.

These children sometimes" build up walls" to protect against their vulnerability.In later posts, I will refer to this as defended against or flight from vulnerability.These children also become Alpha children. I will define this too, in another post.

The other point to make here is, that children will only attach within the capacity they've learned to attach.

So how do we attach?

There a 6 ways we attach others. This is referred to as The Roots of Attachment.

1st is through the Senses- it begins in utero. The sound of our Mothers voice. Then through touch and smell and sight. Even taste of breast milk.

2nd is through Sameness. Looking alike, mannerisms, dispositions, gender and common likes and dislikes.

3rd is through Belonging and Loyalty. Feeling apart of a family or group, being loyal to or even possessing someone or something.

4th is through Significance. Feeling important, that we matter, our thoughts and ideas matter. Being special.

5th is through Love. Giving our hearts away, feeling loved.

6th is through Being Known. This is where we share our secrets with others. Our dreams and goals.

Some children only attach through the first few roots. We need to foster more roots and have the roots grow deeper in the soil to create a more viable human being.

Lots of children, especially teens are not attached to their parents, rather, they are peer attached. This is called peer orientation. I will discuss this in an upcoming  post.

I will also discuss how we cultivate these roots of attachment and share some personal stories when kids get "stuck" in their development of these roots and how they've overcome their "stuckness".