Bridging the Gap of Separation

Here's an interesting story to show the importance of attachment and its effects on children.

About a year ago we had fostered 2 children. Ages 2 and 5. They were with us for 8 months. Mom was needing time to re-establish herself after fleeing from an abusive situation.

These 2 had some significant neglect issues and needed time to heal emotionally as well as gain in their development.
The 5 year old would go to bed and would surround herself with ALL her belongings. Every morning I would go in to wake her and find her covered with her clothes, books, even her suitcase was on her bed.

I started to look at this as a separation problem. One from being away from her Mom, and 2 not being able to hold her close when apart. and 3 being separated from me at bed time.

I knew I had to come up with a solution to relieve her anxiety and allow her to rest.
I started by requesting a picture of her Mom to put in her room.So she could hold close her Mom when she wanted to.
I then began to give her some suggestions for dreams where I could meet her. I would talk about us being fairies(she loved tinkerbell) and we could meet under the big oak tree. I would ring the bell in the tree and then she could find me. This worked great! She would start to ask what I would be wearing and then she would choose the same outfit so we could be the same( she was developing the sameness root with me). Then she would suggest that we bring snacks, Me one night , her the next. It usually was hot chocolate and cookies.(comfort food).

In the morning I would ask her if she had fun on our adventures. She would always say Yes, i liked when we played with dolphins, or wasn't that fun flying high with the stars.
Quickly, her belongings remained off her bed and she would wake refreshed and with less anxiey.

When it came time for these 2 to return to Mom, anxiety started again. I reassured her that no matter where she slept at night, we could meet in our dreams. As she walked out the door, she said see you tonight under the oak tree Jen, and I said you bet. She troddled off with a smile.

Well a year has passed and I got a phone call from Family and children's services. Mom has requested the children start some visits with me. The 5 year old has been asking about us and states she needs to see me.
I was thrilled to hear this as every child that comes to me leaves a mark on my heart and I worry about them.

What I find even more amazing is the Mom's ability to see a need in her child and that she wants to fulfil it.
Alot of maturity would have taken place on her part for this to have happened.

I often wonder what impact I have on these kids. For this little girl it was still being able to have a connection she could hold onto even a year later.
I will be meeting with them next week and will have more understanding about what is going on for her but for now she and her Mom have had the ability to reach out in a time of need.

This brings me back to what Gordon Neufeld has said about villages of attachment. "Once you are in a child's village, you are there for life. Maybe not in the role you started out in, but a role neverless."

So what does bridging the gap mean?

When you must be separated from those who care for you, you need to focus on the RETURN of the connection, not on the loss of connection.

For example, we don't need to say good-bye all the time, we can say , When you come home, we can play that game you've been wanting to play. or we could say, Tomorrow when I see you, I'll make your favourite supper.
If we focus on the return, separation is eased and it gives the impression that the connection is not lost.
By bridging the separation with words of connection it closes the gap of the loss of contact.